The break I never wanted

So I said I would post more and yet I've done the exact opposite. I think I'm lost and trying to navigate my way back to my new normal. The last 6 weeks have been very eventful in regards to my daily routine. I've gone back to work full time, although my first week back my children decided to share a nasty cold with me. I've finished expanding after reaching a whopping 790cc's in each side. Physical therapy discharged me because my range of motion in both arms was above 170 degrees. Sounds like things are pretty good, right? That statement couldn't be farther from the truth.

In my last blog, well over a month ago, I talked about grieving and the wonderful counselor I see seems to think I'm still grieving. All I know is that I seem to be shutting down emotionally.

Although I'm back at work, I never imagined it would be this difficult. I felt a lot of pressure to return to work, and in all actuality, I should've listened to my dad (AGAIN!). He tried to tell me that I should just stay out until my exchange surgery, which is slated for mid-March. I argued with him, which I apparently love doing, explaining that I was feeling better and was going stir-crazy in the house. Plus, financially, we are struggling. Short-term disability only paid a fraction of my normal pay, and though we were stretched to the max, we were making it.

So my hard-headed self went back to work. While trying to adjust to my schedule, I began to realize that I was in trouble. It's no secret that trying to get a good night's sleep is very difficult when your turtle shells are overexpanded. But add some problems with my left side and it's damn near impossible.

I've had issues with my left arm since my mastectomy surgery in November. My range of motion was always less and it's always hurt. While I was seeing my physical therapist, we had a hard time deciding what was wrong- was it a pinched nerve from the expander? Was it muscular pain? It seemed likely to be a nerve since the pain I was feeling started in my left chest, traveled through my armpit with intensity and radiated through my lower arm to my elbow. Towards the end of my time with Peggy, she found (felt) evidence of cording. Technically, it would be Auxiliary Web Syndrome. In laments terms, it means that the lymphatic drains on my left side have developed scar tissue due to the sentinel node biopsy that was performed during my mastectomy.

Since I've stopped seeing my physical therapist, the pain has gotten substantially worse. My range of motion is declining once again and this morning, my hand was swollen to the point that my wedding rings wouldn't budge. That is super scary because the first thought that raced through my mind was lymphedema- a condition where the lymph fluid can't drain propery and there's no cure once you have it.

All these factors- increasing pain, decreasing sleep, full-time work, house, & kids- have made me a miserable person. I think all this is wearing on me and my emotional state.

I'm very frustrated that this is happening and I'm still a month away from exchange. I'm so exhausted that I have to push myself just to function through the day. Although I take pain medicine and muscle relaxers on a daily basis, it barely puts a dent in my pain level and sleep is impossible. I'm so tired that I fall asleep pretty quickly but I'm constantly waking up throughout the night.

My emotional state isn't much better. This is, by far, the hardest thing I've ever done. I still struggle to look at myself in the mirror. In a shirt, I look ok. Similar to the old me, just a little smaller and a lot more perkier. Just out of the shower, though, it still brings me to tears. Don't get me wrong, I'm SO happy that I'm cancer free. I KNOW that I made the right decision to have a bilateral mastectomy. BUT....I'm still second-guessing myself some days, wondering "what if?". I feel so "less-than". I miss my breasts and it's hard to see these weird, heavy, tight mounds that sit upon my chest. Instead of nipples, I have angry, red scars that still scream out at me. I have an ache deep down in my gut that tells me I'm missing something.

I knew going into this that I would have to get used to a new normal, I just never imagined it would be so difficult. Of course, there's no way to prepare for this sorta thing. I don't like these feelings of being stuck, of hating the way I look, feeling unattractive. The word "sexy" doesn't exist to me right now. (My loving, patient husband would strongly disagree.) I really do feel lost. Like I'm barely keeping my head above water.

My friend Laura still checks on me, almost daily, and I love her. I can spill my guts to her and she GETS it. I'm so blessed to have her. I'm seeing a counselor at the Buddy Kemp Caring House at least every other week. I've made reservations to 2 support groups for next week. I blogged today. Hopefully these little steps are steps in the right direction, to lead me out of this fog and back to my happy life. I really do have so much to be grateful for and I am.

I see Dr. Appel again on Wednesday and I can't wait. I've really missed him over the last 4 weeks! I spoke with him today and he wanted to know how I was doing. I told him all about my arm and he's placing an order for me to get back to physical therapy. He said we would talk in detail about it when he saw me next week. I'm sure he'll want to check out this arm...you can actually see the cording when I lift it. Weird!

So there is progress being made, even though it's baby steps. I'm sure once I can control this pain, get into PT, and get some MUCH needed sleep, I'll feel like my old self again. That's gonna be good because I sure do miss Amy.