A bump in the road?

So if I'm not posting, then things are sailing right along! :)

I've been blissfully busy with the kids, the birthdays, the homework, Jessica's volleyball, Paige's wrestling, our Girl Scout Troop, work, the house, the cats, the wedding.....YAY! I feel blessed to be so busy-physically and emotionally. It doesn't leave a lot of time for dwelling on things to come. We should all "live for today" anyway and I've been practicing.

Yep, all has been pretty good. I only had a little drama last week, but it's changed the course of surgery and recovery to come. Not a major change, but a change nonetheless.

Last week at work, I felt something. A strange sensation around my left breast. It was almost an itch, but not quite. It was strange to say the least. So I take myself to the bathroom to check it out. I've certainly never felt anything like it before and now I was curious. When I peek into my bra, I immediately notice blood-tinged discharge from my nipple.

It wasn't a lot, but some had dried in my bra. That let me know that it had been "leaking" throughout the morning. Did I freak out? A little, yes! I had a complete hysterectomy over 4 years ago and my HRT certainly isn't strong enough to create any kind of anything to be able to leak from my breast. I'm well aware that I am scheduled for a bilateral mastectomy on November 1, but I scheduled an appointment with my breast surgeon immediately. Knowing that there was/is cancer in my left breast, I certainly wasn't going to not say anything.

Dr. P's office scheduled me Friday. I get there and unrobe. We chit-chat while I'm in my paper smock, and we're talking about the wedding. We had just gotten his RSVP from his wife and we're so excited & blessed that this wonderful surgeon and his wife will share our day! It wouldn't be happening if it weren't for him. <3

Anyway...he checks out both breasts and tells me what I figured he would. Since I'm having a  bilateral mastectomy in less than 6 weeks, we won't bother with more Breast MRI's and Biopsies. (YAY!) Dr. P explains that the discharge I see is normal for a woman who had all kinds of issues (asymmetrical benign breast fibroadenoma, microcalcifications, multiple intraductal papillomas, and a little DCIS) with that left breast.

He feels it necessary to perform a Sentinel Node Biopsy now on the left side. I don't blame him. So in addition to the double mastectomy, placement of temporary expanders, and nipple removal, we are going to add one more procedure to the pot. At the beginning of surgery, the will inject radioactive dye into that left nipple so that the fluid will "light up" my sentinel nodes. He will remove a few of them through and incision near my armpit and send them to pathology for immediate testing. I really, really hope I'm already under general anesthesia before they inject the dye.

Should they find evidence of cancer, I will probably have to have more lymph nodes removed and will have to add chemotherapy to all this. This procedure also carries the risk of developing lymphedema in my left arm, which causes swelling, pain, and isn't curable. I'll be praying that doesn't happen. The risk is very low since (should things come back negative) they will only be removing a few nodes.

Whatever happens, I just want to be cancer-free. I'm accepting my fate (well, my boobies' fate) and I'm praying to God that he gives me the strength to deal with all this in a healthy, positive way; no matter what the plan may be. So far, he has. I know He will continue to do so.

Roller-Coasters ROCK!

Roller-coasters at theme parks, that is! LOL! The roller-coaster of life, well, in a lot of ways, is very similar to the ones I love at Carowinds. They are both exhilarating, scary, and take your breath away. They are dangerous and give you unpredictable sensations. They are more fun when you share the experience with people you love.

First of all, I must say how grateful I am to my family and friends. I am so very lucky to have such an awesome support system and I can't express my sincere gratitude. Cancer is a humbling experience for me. I'm so head-strong and this new "ride" is surely throwing me around.

This week, I set my surgery date & time in stone. The surgeons scheduled my surgery for Tuesday, November 1, 2011 at 7:30am. I am to arrive at Presbyterian Main Hospital in uptown Charlotte by 5:30am. (So much for seeing the kids off to school that day.) I am to have nothing to eat or drink past 10:00pm on Halloween.

I amaze myself sometimes. I wonder if other people choose to "ignore" looming dips on the roller-coaster of life like I seem to do. I've been so occupied with the kids' school schedules, work schedules, and wedding planning (YAY!), that I'm still surprised that my heart drops to my stomach when the surgeon's office calls.

Anyone else out there see this pattern? It's so frustrating!! I'm fine most days. I don't blog; I don't research cancer or surgical complications. I don't talk about it. "Out of sight, out of mind." Right? Of course! I LOVE my blinders most of the time. Then, I get a "preliminary" surgery date and feel like I'm having a panic attack.

At work yesterday morning, the scheduler with my breast surgeon gave me THE date and time. What happened on my end? Instant tears. Am I dealing with this in a productive way? I sure hope so. I think I am. I feel frustrated because as soon as I deal with a certain "set" of feelings, I'm thrown through a terrifying loop on that coaster and a whole new set of thoughts & feelings emerge. But as the days and weeks pass, I know that these "drops" on the life-coaster are there. I'm not expecting them, but I accept that they are there.

I don't feel alone. God is showing me that things are happening for a reason, what I need is provided. Two perfect examples of this:

1. The American Cancer Society's annual Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk in Charlotte, NC takes place on Saturday, October 29, 2011. The timing of this is perfect. Ward & I will return from our honeymoon on Friday, October 28. Surgery is on November 1st. I am going to have a team and walk with all these women who are heroes. This kind of inspiration is a blessing to have right before this life-saving surgery that will forever change my life.

2. The phone call yesterday that threw me through that loop? Yes, I was upset and could not focus on much afterwards. My head and heart were racing. But it didn't last too long. Yesterday evening was the Grand Opening of Cindy's Hope Chest and it was wonderful. I've mentioned Cindy before, but to see her last night was amazing. Again, it was exactly what I needed yesterday. I am so grateful to Cindy & Mike, Michelle, and the other angels that I was able to speak with last night.

Yes, I'm scared. Sometimes I think maybe I feel nauseous from all life's loops. I think I have to watch for these "God-shots" in my life and be aware of the support that I do have. I need to just say F-it, throw my hands up, and scream through those roller-coaster loops of life. It would be way more fun that way!