SQUISHY!

SQUISHY BOOBS! Hallelujah!

I made it through my expander swap surgery just fine. Surgery was Monday, March 19, now 10 days later, all the dressings have been removed. I'll talk more about this in a minute.

Surgery was pretty uneventful. After we checked in, changed, and I got that dreaded IV, Ward & I waited for Dr. Appel to come. When he did, we went over what was to happen, like we didn't know-HA! He grabbed his black sharpie marker and drew ALL over my chest. We waited a bit longer and it was time to go. Ward said surgery was less than 2 hours long, which was less than expected. Recovering from the anesthesia was the worst of it and I didn't feel a lot of pain. I felt sore on my sides, but overall, I felt good. It was NOTHING like my mastectomy surgery.

A lot of women who have had expanders to implants have said that the difference was immediately noticeable and the relief from the expanders was heaven. I was skeptical about this, I think that's my nature, but it's turned out to be true for me also. The relief was immediate and wonderful. The heaviness, tightness, and general yuckiness was gone.

The first 3 days, I was wrapped in a surgical compression bra. I couldn't see anything and had no clue what the new girls looked liked. I think that waiting period was harder for me than the days leading to surgery were. When it was finally time for me to take a shower (I SO needed a shower!), I was able to take the compression bra off.

I want to say that I try my best to not have expectations in all situations. That being said, when Ward helped me out of the garmet and we removed the big dressings, I finally I had my first look. All I could do was cry. Almost hysterically. Part of the tears may have been due to some relief that all this was over, but I was honestly disappointed in what I saw. The new implants looked so flat and WAY smaller than the expanders. My goal was to be a full "C" and what I was looking at did not even come close. I had been counting down the hours, so excited to get the implants, and now they just looked awful.

Again, a lot of women who have experienced this before me have said that the initial unveiling would not be the final results. The implants would need 8-12 weeks to soften & conform to the pockets that the expanders created. Even though I have read about this & heard first-hand experiences about this, unfortunately, all that meant nothing the first time I saw my new boobs.

Don't get me wrong, I am THRILLED to be rid of the expanders, but I don't think I could honestly go into that surgery without some sort of expectation. I mean, really. I was too excited. After all the hell I've been through since November, I deserved some nice boobs! I don't think it's a stretch to admit that I've been flirting with some depression for the last couple months, trying to accept and adjust to all this. Seeing these flat, small things on my chest just brought things to a head. I was so upset that evening and I decided that I truly regretted my decision to go through a double mastectomy. All that pain, all those tears....for this?!? Thank goodness God has placed certain people in my life to help me in times of despair.

I talked with my dear friend, Laura. She's been there. I talked & cried with my dear husband, who has been so patient, loving, and wonderful through this. I was still distraught, so I went on a massive search through my house to find the number of an angel who had helped me so much when I was first diagnosed. I found it.

Jill had moved to CT last year, not long after I made the decision to have a bi-lat. (See my blog from July 10, 2011 titled "God's Angels") We have not talked since before my mastectomy. WAY too long. I called her the day of the reveal, totally distraught. To my amazement, not only was she thrilled to hear from me, but she had just arrived to NC to visit some friends! God certainly knows what He's doing! She came over the next day. After a great visit and a long chat, I showed her my results. Her reaction is something I'll never forget. The first words out of her mouth were, "Oh my goodness, Amy...they are BEAUTIFUL!". She was so sincere and excited! Jill is a no-nonsense kind-of-gal and I knew she meant what she said. She helped me critique what would change with the implants. Then, she showed me her chest again to show me how the implants would change. They really would soften enough to look like real breasts. They really would drop & settle into the pocket and look real. It was exactly what I needed.

I will never forget what she said and how she said it. In a way, Jill gave me permission to feel beautiful again. Something I haven't felt in months...losing my breasts has been pretty traumatic. But Jill made me believe that my breasts will be beautiful. They already are beautiful. I am still beautiful. She helped free me of all this self-doubt I've had, all this regret, and her sincerity allowed me to let go of whatever it is that has been holding me back. I love her so much. I still have a lot of work to do and acceptance to gain, but seeing her and hearing the conviction in her voice, was a HUGE step forward in my journey to morph into that beautiful butterfly so many breast cancer survivors talk about. I get it now.

Fast forward to today. I had my first check-up with my surgeon and the steri-strips are removed. I was nervous because I didn't want anymore problems with healing or necrosis. Thank goodness, the incisions are healing beautifully. Dr. Appel was pleased with the way everything looks, which was very encouraging. I still have some strict restrictions and I need to be careful for the next month to ensure that I heal properly. He has also told us to start massaging the implants to help them settle. Push in & up not down & out. LOL! I see Dr. Appel again in a month for another check and we'll discuss any revisions I want (fat grafting to help fill in those caves) and nipple reconstruction. He's also is referring me to another specialist to address the pain & cording in my left arm, so I feel good about that, too.

Although I still have a lot of healing to do, I can already tell that the implants are changing, softening, and dropping so I was ecstatic to notice CLEAVAGE for the first time today. Watch out world, my girls are on their way back! :)

PICTURES BELOW:

Before exchange (790cc expander, each side)-

10 Days following Exchange (750cc Cohesive Gel (Silicone) Implants each side)-

Front view, today

Front view, today (new incisions are on the sides)

Left side, today

Right side, today (and the dreaded armpit cave)

Last but not least..........drumroll please.........

CLEAVAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So excited to see this again! :)