June 13th was my one-year anniversary from my diagnosis. I can’t say I really celebrated. It was a very reflective day for me; remembering what was and what my journey has entailed. A year ago, I had NO clue what was getting ready to happen, but I guess that’s how life is.
I want to think that I handled my mastectomy rather well. I’ve been told that I did. It’s strange, hearing people in your life, even complete strangers, congratulate you and tell you how strong & brave you are. I’m sure other breast cancer sisters can relate when I say this, or maybe it’s just my opinion, but I certainly didn’t feel brave or strong this past year. I remember fear. Fear of the unknown…..of anesthesia, pain, recovery, JP drains, stitches, filling the expanders, IV’s, PICC lines, my body image, how I would manage my household, how I could possibly hug my children & my husband, the effects this fight would have on my children & husband, complications, what people would think, what I would think, what my children would think, what my husband would think, pathology reports, radiation, medications, money (or lack of), mounting medical bills, chemotherapy, death, CANCER. I’m sure there’s hundreds more that I don’t have time to list, but that’s a good start.
I tried to put a good game face on during all this, and on most days, I did. But I certainly did NOT feel brave or strong. I simply put one foot in front of the other and got through each day. What other choice did I have? Cancer patients rarely have many options other than refuse treatment and let life take its course. I prayed to God to give me strength for whatever was to come and He did. Some days, I sat on the floor and just cried for hours. Other days, I could forget about all I have lost to cancer and enjoy the day. Those are the good days and I hope many more are in store for me. Today, my eldest daughter had her senior pictures taken. She was beautiful and I am SO thankful that I am alive and able-bodied to be with her today.
I can tell that I have changed a lot over the course of the past year, not only physically, but spiritually & emotionally too. Although I am still trying to find my way out of this maze of self-acceptance, I truly believe I am and will be a better woman because of all this. I want to DO something more with my life. I want to help others; I want to make a difference. I want to be a better mom and a better wife. I want to find myself again; that “new” me I keep hearing so much about. I know I will and I also know that I am on my way to finding her.
Next Monday, surgery #4 is scheduled to take place. Yep, you read that correctly- 4 surgeries in 6 months. This is the last surgery to complete my breast reconstruction. I may have to have additional surgeries on down the road to revise my breasts or replace the implants, but THIS is it. I will be going through areola and nipple reconstruction and my surgeon will also be revising the divots under each armpit. I’m not sure why, but I am really nervous about this surgery.
The areolas will be reconstructed from skin grafts taken from my hip/thigh area. My new nipples will be reconstructed using an origami-type folding technique on my existing scars. It’s really cool how the surgeons are able to do this! The completed, reconstructed nipples look like they are real. After all the scars have had time to heal, it’s hard to tell you’ve had reconstruction. I may have to have tattooing to get the color of the new nipples and areola’s consistently pink, but this final touch will bring this long road to an end.
I am hoping that this final surgery makes me feel more complete. Maybe that’s why I’m so nervous- because this is it, the last one. Although I am trying not to have any expectations, I am hoping that when I catch a glimpse of my bare chest in the mirror, I won’t turn away. I am hoping that I will see the reflection of a beautiful, strong, woman who is finally complete and whole again. Maybe I won’t see the huge, angry red scars that scream across my chest. I won’t see blank mounds anymore. I will need to wear a bra and on days that I don’t, I will have headlights! And YES, I am really looking forward to that.
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