I have mere hours to go on my countdown to squishy boobs! This waiting sucks. I've never been a patient person, but I am really, truly, honest-to-goodness OUT of patience with the immovable objects on my chest. I'm so excited because I have about 36 hours to go and this phase of reconstruction will be over. Hallelujah!
This has been my hard part- the waiting for a return to a "new normal". During the last four months, I've recovered from a double mastectomy & a sentinel node biopsy on my left side, and I have over-stretched my chest muscles enough to accommodate 750cc's of lovely, smooth, squishy silicone implants on each side. I've been so busy doing that, it has interrupted my life and took precedence within my everyday, normal routine. I ran into complications with lymphedema, cording, and lymphatic scarring & have barely managed to juggle work, kids, physical therapy, counseling, and doctor appointments. But I've made it and it's almost over. Hallelujah!
I've been stuck in a "transition" phase for four months now and it's almost over. Hallelujah! I've got the illusions of breasts, but they are not breasts at all. I've been adjusting to tightness, heaviness, stretching, and soreness. I'm trying to adjust to the scars. I'm struggling to adjust to the loss of my nipples. I've been adjusting to the numbness I have. It not only encompasses my entire chest, but includes my sides and parts of my back. My left underarm and part of my left upper arm is also numb to the touch. Believe it or not, I have ran into things with these rocks! Shut doors on them, bumped into things, it's funny. I can't feel it. I've only been able to sleep, and quite poorly may I add, in two positions since November. I wake up throughout the night. No bubble baths until after exchange. Avoiding mirrors. Scar cream applications. Stretching.
I'm SO ready for a bubble bath! To sleep on my belly! To sleep all night! To glimpse at a sensual, natural form in the mirror! To feel a speed bump and the jiggle that follows! It's the little things that you take for granted.
When I was trying to decide my treatment route, I knew that I didn't want to have to endure chemo again. There's plenty of reasons not to want to endure chemo, but I also knew that in addition to all the physical side effects, I didn't want to drag out this treatment over an extended period of time. Surgery would be a "quicker" fix. Well, for me, that wasn't true. In fact, many aspects of this course of treatment have been harder than I've ever known chemo to be.
This has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I underestimated the emotional effect that losing my breasts would have on me. I now know why October is more pink than scary. I get it now. I am truly thankful that very public awareness of this disease is forefront & in your face that one month of the year. Breast cancer can be absolutely devastating to a woman. It can test every inch of her being. Her self-esteem, her sexuality, how she perceives things in the world after cancer. Breast cancer is silent and it doesn't care how much money you have, what you do, how old you are....none of that. It has brought me to my knees quite a few times these last four months.
I'll probably write more about these changes within myself after I get through this surgery. My perception has definitely changed and is still changing. I'll get to deal with the lyphedema after surgery, I'll get to heal. I'll be making decisions on nipple reconstructions that will happen around June. June will be my 1 year anniversary from diagnosis. Isn't it amazing? It will take almost exactly 1 full year to complete my treatment course. I had it easy and didn't have to do chemo on top of all this. That's a perspective in it's own right.
For now, I'm going to work on another post,showing you my expansion process. Then I'm just going to count these hours down. Hallelujah!
BRING ON THE SQUISHY BOOBS!
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