God's Angels

I knew that God's Angels walked among us and touched lives. It's just been in the last few years that I have learned to recognize the Angels that He sends to me.

When I met Jill a few months ago, I knew I would like her. She moved to North Carolina from Connecticut this year, her husband had been transferred with his job. She has a great personality and talking with her was always fun. I never knew how much she would impact my life, especially in a short amount of time.

When the Doctors' found the "suspicious" spots in my Breast MRI and prepared me for an early-stage breast cancer diagnosis last month, Jill was my cheerleader. She revealed that she was a Survivor. She had chemo for a Stage 1 Ductal-invasive mass and subsequent double mastectomy and reconstruction. I was stunned. I never had any idea and she looked amazing.

Over the last month, Jill and I have had many in-depth, personal conversations. I could ask her anything, regardless of how stupid I thought the question was. I could cry and confide my inner-most fears. She always understood because she's been there. She was and is a lifeline for me.

I found out 2 weeks ago that she & her husband had to move back to Connecticut and the move would happen by July 12th. I was devastated, especially since we had just bonded! I knew we would stay in touch, but there was a part of me that hated losing such a huge support system, especially in all the "newness" of Breast Cancer.

We tried a few times to get together, but we just never could. She was dealing with movers and the stress that comes with that (let alone planning an interstate move in less than 2 weeks!), and I was dealing with our busy life since the beach.

Today, less than 2 days before she moves, she found the time to come visit with me. She met all the kids, even my mom. We chit-chatted about my upcoming wedding and had some conversation with the kids.

We sat down at my kitchen table and talked about all the information I had, my new plastic surgeon, and what her mastectomy and reconstruction experience was like. It was wonderful listening to my friend talk. The surgeries seemed "doable". Jill had survived all this....the surgery, the wait, the healing....and came out on the other side, beautiful and strong.

Then she asked me if I wanted to see. YES. I wanted to see what happened to her. Was it as bad as some of the reconstructions that I saw on the Internet? Have I been scaring myself with all this research or did I have a reason to be so scared?

We went to my son's bedroom and I caught myself holding my breath while she pulled her shirt down.

She looked amazing. Her boobs looked real. She didn't have nipples, but still had her areola on each breast. She had a couple scars, but they were small and pretty unnoticeable. Her breasts were symmetric, full, and firm. Then she says, "Amy,  you need to feel them.". I was scared to, but I did.

Just when I thought it wasn't possible, I was even more amazed. Her breasts even felt real! She showed me how they don't sag as much, they don't move as much if she jumps up & down, and showed me where the Alloderm slings were. We talked all about our procedures. She had everything that I am getting ready to have....mastectomy, expanders, silicone implants, the whole 9.

I can't tell you how much better I feel about this surgery now. Jill knows, like you do, how much I have been struggling with all of this. She told me that it was important to her that she see me before she left to show me what I was facing. Thanks to her, the cosmetic hang-ups surrounding breast reconstruction that I thought were such a big deal, disappeared this afternoon.

I know that Jill is one of God's Angels. She came into my life when I needed her the most. I'm not as upset that she is leaving...after all, today, she set me free. I am so blessed to have met her when I did. I know that it was all part of His plan.

 I'm so grateful to be graced with and recognize one of God's Angels. It's truly a blessing in cloudy times.

The Fence

Vacation is great for the body, mind, and soul.

    Even with 5 children (well, 6 if you count Ward) in tow. I can't tell you how much we all needed to get away. It was wonderful spending time with Ward and the children. We swam in the pool & the ocean every day. We rode waves on our boogie boards. We built a sandcastle with a huge wall & trench around it, only to enjoy the wait to see how long it could withstand the in-coming tide. We looked for and found little crabs. We sunbathed (with lots of SPF 50 slathered on!) in our lounge chairs while listening to the sounds of the ocean and laughing children. We searched for seashells one evening. Ward & I even got to take a stroll on the beach by ourselves one night (thank you, Paige!) to hold hands, talk, and feel the waves and sand on our feet. We even surprised all the kids with a special "dinner & pirate show" treat, front row! It truly was the best vacations we've ever had as a family and one that I won't ever forget.

    I'd like to tell you that I was able to "totally" get away from reality for a whole week, but I can't honestly tell you that. Boobs are everywhere, and when they are on you're mind, it's easy to notice them. Geez...is that what men think? LOL!

    It's not easy to admit this, but I noticed almost every woman's boobs last week. That's a powerful statement considering I was at the beach for an entire week. I've never paid attention to other breasts before, unless some fake Barbie-doll wannabe was on a sleazy talk show and you had no choice but to notice. I didn't want to notice others then and I don't want to now. I just couldn't help myself.  I noticed shape and how they moved. I wondered which ones were fake and which ones were real. Some were obvious....I hope my new ones aren't obvious. Will mine look real? Will they look OK in a bathing suit? Maybe they would look better? Will I be finished "expanding" and have my implants in long enough to enjoy the beach next year? Will they have natural movement or just sit on top of my chest? How many of these women were Breast Cancer Survivors? Was I really feeling jealousy towards some of these women? Women who would get to keep their breasts, never giving them a second thought?

    The cosmetic aftermath of a mastectomy is on my mind more than the procedure. Self-doubt crept in again, damn it. When we arrived home, we were totally exhausted and I felt like I picked up my "load of bricks" as soon as I walked through the front door. I knew at that moment that I was officially "On the Fence". I would talk myself out of the mastectomy, only to talk myself right back into it. Talk about torturing yourself. I was telling myself that maybe radiation treatments wouldn't be so bad with continued surveillance. We went 4 years before finding anything. I don't want to look different or feel different! Then, my brain would kick in. HELLO!!!! This is CANCER we are talking about!! Radiation would suck and make a mastectomy a lot more complicated if I were ever to "need" one in the future. I'm playing with fire and I have to stop this and think about my family. The cosmetic issue is way bigger that I ever thought! Is it vain to think about cosmetic results when in all reality, we're talking about my life! I know deep down this is the best option for me, I just like sitting on the fence I guess.

    The books I had ordered before vacation were waiting on me when I got home and I breezed through one of them in two days. A wonderful book by Geralyn Lucus, "Why I Wore Lipstick to my Mastectomy". Talk about inspiration. If any of you out there need a good book, I highly recommend that one.

    I've tried to ease myself back into the swing of things, and thank goodness things at work are hectic. Maybe my mind will relax some and I can keep blogging, talking this out with loved ones, and continued to be inspired. Inspiration may be some of what I need to stay off that fence! Until then, I'll just keep praying for Him to help me let go & accept this.