Even with 5 children (well, 6 if you count Ward) in tow. I can't tell you how much we all needed to get away. It was wonderful spending time with Ward and the children. We swam in the pool & the ocean every day. We rode waves on our boogie boards. We built a sandcastle with a huge wall & trench around it, only to enjoy the wait to see how long it could withstand the in-coming tide. We looked for and found little crabs. We sunbathed (with lots of SPF 50 slathered on!) in our lounge chairs while listening to the sounds of the ocean and laughing children. We searched for seashells one evening. Ward & I even got to take a stroll on the beach by ourselves one night (thank you, Paige!) to hold hands, talk, and feel the waves and sand on our feet. We even surprised all the kids with a special "dinner & pirate show" treat, front row! It truly was the best vacations we've ever had as a family and one that I won't ever forget.
I'd like to tell you that I was able to "totally" get away from reality for a whole week, but I can't honestly tell you that. Boobs are everywhere, and when they are on you're mind, it's easy to notice them. Geez...is that what men think? LOL!
It's not easy to admit this, but I noticed almost every woman's boobs last week. That's a powerful statement considering I was at the beach for an entire week. I've never paid attention to other breasts before, unless some fake Barbie-doll wannabe was on a sleazy talk show and you had no choice but to notice. I didn't want to notice others then and I don't want to now. I just couldn't help myself. I noticed shape and how they moved. I wondered which ones were fake and which ones were real. Some were obvious....I hope my new ones aren't obvious. Will mine look real? Will they look OK in a bathing suit? Maybe they would look better? Will I be finished "expanding" and have my implants in long enough to enjoy the beach next year? Will they have natural movement or just sit on top of my chest? How many of these women were Breast Cancer Survivors? Was I really feeling jealousy towards some of these women? Women who would get to keep their breasts, never giving them a second thought?
The cosmetic aftermath of a mastectomy is on my mind more than the procedure. Self-doubt crept in again, damn it. When we arrived home, we were totally exhausted and I felt like I picked up my "load of bricks" as soon as I walked through the front door. I knew at that moment that I was officially "On the Fence". I would talk myself out of the mastectomy, only to talk myself right back into it. Talk about torturing yourself. I was telling myself that maybe radiation treatments wouldn't be so bad with continued surveillance. We went 4 years before finding anything. I don't want to look different or feel different! Then, my brain would kick in. HELLO!!!! This is CANCER we are talking about!! Radiation would suck and make a mastectomy a lot more complicated if I were ever to "need" one in the future. I'm playing with fire and I have to stop this and think about my family. The cosmetic issue is way bigger that I ever thought! Is it vain to think about cosmetic results when in all reality, we're talking about my life! I know deep down this is the best option for me, I just like sitting on the fence I guess.
The books I had ordered before vacation were waiting on me when I got home and I breezed through one of them in two days. A wonderful book by Geralyn Lucus, "Why I Wore Lipstick to my Mastectomy". Talk about inspiration. If any of you out there need a good book, I highly recommend that one.
I've tried to ease myself back into the swing of things, and thank goodness things at work are hectic. Maybe my mind will relax some and I can keep blogging, talking this out with loved ones, and continued to be inspired. Inspiration may be some of what I need to stay off that fence! Until then, I'll just keep praying for Him to help me let go & accept this.
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