One down....

Pre-op appointment, that is!

Ward and I met with my plastic surgeon yesterday to go over the first phase of reconstruction and finalize everything for surgery.  I was so happy that Ward was able to come and ask questions, too. We were there for about 2 hours. It is so nice to feel so comfortable with your doctors, and I do with both of my surgeons.

We talked about what would happen, step by step, after the Sentinel Node Biopsy and Mastectomies were completed. Everything from incision locations to expander placement, the use of Alloderm or not, drains (BOOOO!), physical therapy, and follow-ups. We talked about possible complications and actions to take should they occur. He addressed my emotional well-being after surgery, which was a nice surprise.

In my experience, some doctors will not even acknowledge emotional issues, unless you count a referral to a Psychologist as acknowledgement.  It made me feel even more at ease when Dr. A talked to me about my feelings surrounding this surgery and things to come. He told us that physically, I would heal relatively fast. Barring any complications, of course. Emotionally, however, it will take some adjustment. I didn’t share with him that my anxiety was through the roof yesterday morning but I’m sure he already knew.

We talked about nipples. The first and only time I saw Dr. A, I had just been diagnosed and was completely overwhelmed….physically, emotionally, medically, and then some. We discussed the nipple-sparing option and although I’m not the best candidate for it, I was adamant that we try to save them. Well, that’s changed now.

I think at first, I was desperate to hold on to anything I could. I knew I was losing my breasts, but if I could just keep my nipples, I had something left of me. Maybe I wouldn’t look down at my scarred chest and feel like a freak or less-than as a woman if I had my own nipples.  I had done plenty of research between the time of diagnosis and my first appointment with the surgeon, and the pictures of mastectomy & reconstruction scared me beyond words. It was terrifying to me.

My feelings towards my nipples are still the same on some level, but I think I am successfully processing my decision for mastectomy. I can let them go now. If I decided to try & keep them, it would be a risky & difficult healing process with no guarantee that they would survive. Even if they did survive, I would have no feeling in them and they wouldn’t look or react the same. So why bother? The whole point of this surgery is to lower my risk of breast cancer returning. If I’m going so far as to remove my breasts, one of which has had no abnormal findings on mammos or MRIs, then why would I want to try to save nipples that contain more breast tissue? Finally, my  sane brain is making a comeback over the emotional one!  

Yesterday’s appointment was still extremely emotional for me. I can busy myself and not think about the surgery, but these appointments kind of throw things in your face and you HAVE to deal with them. I cried a lot yesterday and admitted to Ward that I was scared. I’m sure my anxiety will increase as surgery gets closer, but I am really trying to accept all this and come to terms with it. I officially have less than 4 weeks before surgery and the time is now flying by.

So tomorrow I have pre-op #2 with my breast surgeon, Dr. P. I’ll be back to keep everyone updated on how that one goes.