It's ok.....

I think that's been my lesson of the week, one of many to come I'm sure. It's ok to grieve, feel overwhelmed, to be scared, to be terrified, to cry, to mourn, to sob uncontrollably. I have to allow myself these very normal feelings so that I can have the "other ok's".

The "other oks"....it's ok to laugh, to have fun, to enjoy my children, to hold hands with Ward, to sing, to be grateful for all of the encouraging messages of love and support from family & friends (which gives me strength and peace), to notice the new flowers, to feel the wind in my long hair, to take a bubble bath, and live in the moment of the day.

Being thrust upon Breast Cancer's door can make it very difficult to balance all of these "ok's". I'll freely admit, it has been beyond difficult for me at times. There's a reason my dad called me "Grace" as a child....it wasn't because of my gracefulness or ability to "balance" myself for sure! :-)

Saturday was really tough. Sunday was a little better, everyday since a little better. Today, I'm in my "Wonder Woman" mode, like most of us wives/sisters/mothers out there who have to be in control, of something or anything.

In all reality, there is no control. Not in life, not in a cancer diagnosis. There's that illusion of it and sometimes, it's wonderful. Other times, it's a nightmare. Today, I am just staying in today and not dwelling on what will be in 4 months.

Maybe it's because we are going on a week long beach trip Saturday? Probably....we can't wait to get away and we need it desperately. (YAY VACATION!)
Maybe it's because of all the support I have from my dear friends and family, which I am truly grateful.
Maybe it's because Ward & I sat down and REALLY discussed all this, in depth, for the first time this week.
Maybe it's because I became a little more proactive and ordered some informative & personal books for both me & Ward (thank you to the ladies at FORCE) to help educate ourselves and become inspired.
Maybe it's all of the above.

And you know what???
It's ok.

Out of the blue...

I don't know exactly what happened today, but I had a bad day. Emotionally speaking.

Granted, I've had an eventful month so far. It's not very often that you are thrust into the Breast Cancer sisterhood. You don't usually talk about mastectomies and reconstructions during day-to-day conversations. I'll give myself a break in that respect.

I hope blogging about all this will help and I'm getting ready to really bare my soul, which is not something I publicly do. Ever. I'm not even sure that I can articulate the devastation I feel inside.

I've kept a positive attitude since all this began on June 1st, I've really tried my best. I've had moments of tears, but nothing like what happened this afternoon. I don't know what happened or what set it off, I really don't.

I went to work this morning to work a half day or so, trying to make some lost time and get a jump on some upcoming deadlines. I wasn't feeling good all day. My brain wouldn't shut off from all this information I've received in the last few weeks.

On the way home, I had a total breakdown. It was bad....complete, hysterically sobbing kind of breakdown.  I'm so glad that Ward & I work together, at least I wasn't driving today. He is the most compassionate man I know and I can't imagine how helpless he must feel through all of this.

During my hysterical crying, I spilled my deepest fears to him about this whole reconstruction process with expanders. I'm going to look like a freak, I will never have MY breasts anymore, how will I hug him and the children during all this? Will I look anything close to normal after complete reconstruction? How do I accept this and say goodbye to the old me? Am I helping or hurting myself by researching this?

I told him that in the grand scheme of things, I know deep down I am making the right decision. This will save my life and I want to be here for our family. More than anything. I know I have his unconditional love and support, and that goes for my children, family, & friends.

So why the hell am I so upset over all this? It's not happening today. They are just boobs! It seems so trivial to be so upset at what I'm considering "trivial", when the end result is to be cancer free.

 I'm freaking out about the cosmetic realities of this surgery. Looking down after surgery and there's nothing there. The discomfort and pain of expanders placed in my chest. Growing "foobs". Getting my real foobs. I'm freaking out about the surgery, the recovery process, the expanding process. What will I look like during that time? What will people think and why the hell would I even care?!? What about when the real implants are there?

Some days, being positive and staying in the moment just doesn't help no matter how hard I try. I really don't try to project anything concerning things I have no control over. For some reason, I am today. I am so scared about all of this, and it's not even happening until November. I feel like I am on an out of control roller coaster and I really don't want to feel like this for the next few months. I want a shut-off switch for my brain. I want to just pretend none of this is happening and just deal with it later. I mean, damn. You would think with 5 children, a job, house, gardens full of weeds, and a wedding to plan, I would have plenty to be distracted.

I feel like I am being consumed by this, and that's exactly what I don't want to happen. I just pray that tomorrow will be a better day.

My Little Man

Allen officially graduated from Pre-K today! I cried because he was so cute....all the kids were today. He is the youngest of our five, our only son. Allen is my last baby, which is bittersweet.

I have had a "little person" in preschool for 15 consecutive years, each one a blessing for sure. I am being shoved through this phase in my life and have to accept that there will be no more babies, no more pre-school graduations, no more amusing "little people" conversations in the car to and from school.

All mother's face this, these phases in our lives. Our children grow, our parents age, we age. I'm just not quite ready.

I know that I would have had one more baby if I could have, but that wasn't His plans for me. I am not going to blame the BRCA gene, my cancer history, or the hysterectomy that followed. I will accept and be grateful. I will learn to embrace this new phase of life, past the baby-toddler-pre-K years, and keep all those 15 years of memories, laughter, and love close to my heart.

Today was beautiful and my little man was too cute!

Wait....you're going to do WHAT?!?

One would think that if you've done your research on an intricate, major surgical procedure, you wouldn't utter those words to your new plastic surgeon. Well, I did. Over the last couple of weeks, I've researched all about mastectomies, reconstruction options, terminology, pictures, charts, other's blogs....you name it.

I shouldn't be surprised at myself for actually saying that out loud to him since my anxiety starting building on the drive down to Charlotte yesterday afternoon. By the time I turned into the parking deck, I could feel my heart start pounding. By the time I wondered through the maze of the parking deck & medial tower, and actually arrived at the office door, my hands were shaking. Stupid cancer. Stupid nerves. GEEZ....just a consult, nothing happening today, Amy....get a grip!

A surprise was waiting for me in the reception office. An angel, my friend Peyton. She told me on Tuesday night that she would go with me, on her only day off. I thought she was joking at the time, but was so very happy to see her there. It helped calm my nerves while I filled out the necessary paperwork and waited for them to call me back. We talked about horses and she held my hand. I love her and don't know if I could ever express my gratitude to her for waiting on me to arrive and sitting in the waiting room of a plastic surgeon's office on her day off, just to keep me company since Ward had to work. I didn't get to see her after my 2 hour appointment, but I'm so glad we were able to spend those 20 minutes together.

So my name is finally called and I'm taken to the room. The nurse asks me to take my shirt & bra off, and to put the shortest, tiniest "gown" on. It was like one-fourth the size of a regular hospital gown. I did get a chuckle out of that. And thanks to Peyton, I was ok waiting on the Dr.

Dr. Appel is a younger Doctor, a graduate from Duke (YAY!! GO DUKE!!......sorry to all you Carolina fans), who specializes in breast reconstruction. He was very nice and attentive. Dr. Appel made me feel very comfortable right away and encouraged me to interrupt him with any questions that I had. I assured him I would.

He gives me a folder to start with. It's white and has a pink ribbon applicate on the front. My first official "Breast Cancer Patient" material. I start to cry (and miserably try to hide it and wish that Ward was there) while he tells me that the things in the folder will be information for me, a breakdown of everything we will discuss. Why the heck was I crying? I knew. At that exact moment, the elusive Breast Cancer went from surreal to very, very real.

He begins by talking about my history, my relationship with my breast doctor (whom I love because he saved Ward's life in 2009.....I'll explain that one another day), and the timeline of what we have to do....surgery WILL be scheduled within 6 months. OK.

He has a notebook and begins to talk about the "Mastectomy Process" and what Dr. Parson's will be doing. He tells me that after he examines & measures me, he will be able to tell me what he recommends for my particular reconstruction. Then, we start the discussion, with all his illustrations and patient before/after photos, about the 4 main types of breast reconstruction after a mastectomy.

I interrupt him and ask about immediate reconstruction. Not a good option he says. It doesn't look as natural and the patient may get stuck with a size they don't like. Makes sense, doc. So what's next?

Reconstruction with expanders. It was during this discussion that I said what I thought I wouldn't say! And I was familiar with this from research! AHHHH! What is reconstruction with expanders? Well, laments terms, after the breast surgeon removes the breast tissue, the plastic surgeon places expanders (hard, plastic balloon-looking things with a port) behind your chest muscles. So I would be flat??? Yes, for a couple weeks. Oh goodness.....38C and then nothing overnight?? OMG.....I'll just stuff that thought away for the time being. You have 1 to 2 drains in each breast to drain fluid for about 2 weeks post-op. YUCK. Don't need to think about that right now either.

He talks about how he slowly fills these expanders (needle though the skin) weekly with saline to allow the expansion of the chest muscle. I would also attend physical therapy for the first 2 months after surgery to help strengthen myself. The doc says that reconstruction this way makes a nice, perky breast and when I get "filled" enough to where I like the size, we stop. We wait for a month or two, and then have another outpatient surgery to place the permanent implants.

We talk about reconstruction after radiation, using skin and muscle from your tummy, your back...all these places with more incisions, more recovery time. Talk about gaining a new respect for the women who endure these more involved reconstructions, especially after breast skin has been radiated and can't be saved.

I'm trying to absorb all this info and ask questions. We start discussing the permanent implants. He hands me a saline one and a silicone one. I sit there and play with the silicone implant for the next 30 minutes. It felt nicer than saline....it was soft. The saline implant felt like a water balloon! I was very concerned about the safety of silicone vs. saline because we've all heard the horror stories of the silicone implant bursting or leaking, and the surgery that has to scrape that gunk off the chest wall. I went into the appointment knowing I wanted saline. Well, evidently, there have been some major improvements to silicone implants. You can actually cut them in half...no leaking! It's like a gummy bear. Hmmmm......a gummy bear fake boob. Sounds like something you would find in some kind of perverted sex store! LOL!

He called the nurse in and he started his exam. He measured me from all kinds of angles. I put that "gown" back on and we all three went to another room to take photos. Not my idea of fun, especially if since that was my first nudie-photo shoot. It was embarrassing.

When we get back, he tells me that I would be a great candidate for the expander method. And they will try to save my nipples. TRY?! Oh God, PLEASE don't take those, too. Stupid cancer! I learned that larger chested women have more complications with blood flow to the nipple. If I were any bigger, he wouldn't even recommend trying, so at least we can try. That's a positive thing. If the tissue dies, I would need another surgery to reconstruct that, too. I must say, he makes nice nipples, but even he admitted that they weren't as nice as the ones that God makes. But even if they survive, I may lose all sensation anyway.

We talked about schedule. He recommended that I not do this before our October 22 wedding....the timing of it would have me with expanders and it may be uncomfortable for hugs. Gotta have hugs at the wedding. We return from our honeymoon on the 29th and will do Halloween with the kids. The first week of November, I loose my boobs because of cancer and a stupid gene.

I need to go see my breast surgeon again in September to learn his recommendation on leaving or removing lymph nodes. In the meantime, I'll see the plastic surgeon again on October 5th. I can call him or email him anytime with questions and that was that.

I have a lot to think about. Saline? Silicone? Drains? Healing time? Sleeping positions? Post-op help? Kids in school? Can't drive? No boobs? Growing boobs? Sensations? Sensuality? Out of work for 4-6 weeks? Nipples? Thanksgiving?? Christmas???

No more thinking today, my emotions are running full freakin force. I'll try to concentrate on the positives and remember how grateful I was to see my real-life angel, Peyton, there waiting for me in the waiting room.

All I can really think, though, is, "Oh my God.  I can't believe this is happening". I cry and talk with Ward and tell him I really, really, really hate cancer.

I've decided to join to Blogging world!

I never have had much interest in Blogging. I always thought that our life was just an ordinary one filled with children, jobs, bills, family, friends, my Girl Scout Troop, school activities, sports....just like everyone else. I'm sure that our family & friends would've found a blog a helpful way of keeping up with everyone since we don't communicate enough. That's not what this one is about though.

I'm creating this blog to document this latest medical experience, the dreaded "C"-word again, and what it will take from me and our family this time. I also want to talk about what it won't take.

For some reason, Breast Cancer seems very scary to me, although I knew at some point, I'd have to face it. During earlier bouts with Bladder Cancer in 2007 & again in 2008, enduring chemotherapy and losing my hair, I was pretty scared. But this is different. Anyway, I elected to accept the genetic screening that was offered. Out of the two Breast Cancer Genes, I'm positive for BRCA1.

Having a total hysterectomy at 29 was an awful experience for me, but I knew it was needed. I knew that the screening available for Ovarian Cancer wasn't as good as the Breast Cancer Screening was. I was finished having babies, although I probably would have had a few more! I just love babies...LOL!

This BRCA1 thing...it complicates a hysterectomy. I lost my ovaries, tubes, uterus....everything. Finding the right kind of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) was difficult because the doctors kept telling me that too much Estrogen can increase my risk for Breast Cancer even more. The surgeons and doctors actually counseled me about having a double mastectomy with reconstruction in 2007.

 All I had to say about that at the time was HELL NO! They just took everything (I felt at the time) that "defined" me as a woman, you're not taking my girls, too. I decided to do the extra screening you have to have when you're genetically prone to Breast Cancer.

Mammograms & Breast MRI's, rotated every 6 months. Like clockwork. For almost 4 years. Everything was fine until my breast doctor found a small lump. After some diagnostic mammograms & ultrasounds, there were now 2 areas of interest in my left breast. An asymmetrical mass that was small, and a new area of interest; linear calcifications in one of my milk ducts. All I was worried about was that mass.

Last week, I went through an ultrasound-guided biopsy for the lump and an MRI-guided biopsy for those calcifications, all in the same day. It was awful. The staff was wonderful, but not an experience I would ever want to do again.

It was even harder waiting for results. I thought that Ward & I would go insane during all these two weeks of testing and such. Turns out, that mass? Benign. Whew. Calicfications? Benign. YESSSS!!!!

But wait....a second look at pathology revealed  a mass, >0.5mm, of Breast Cancer. They think that they got it all out during the MRI-biopsy and that the surrounding cells and lymph nodes look fine. So my diagnosis now is Stage 0, Tis, N0, M0. It was caught early. The best kind of Breast Cancer I guess to have if you have to have it. I should be relieved that they think they have it all, but I'm not...I'm scared.

My Options? Option #1: Radiation 5x a week for 5 weeks, or Option #2: Complete, double-mastectomy with reconstruction within 6 months. Hmmmmm.

Option #2 it is. With my history, the stupid gene, and the type of Breast Cancer I had/have, it will just keep coming back. Great. Am I excited about new boobs? NO. I like mine. They are a part of me. They nursed my babies. They are MINE! Cancer is taking this away now and it makes me angry, sad, and lots of other emotions that I just can't articulate at this time.

And what about the timing of all this? Well, it sucks. Ward & I are getting married October 22. Do we do it now? No...it's not possible. Do we do it after our Honeymoon? Looking that way. Just in time for Christmas. I meet with the plastic surgeon today.

In the meantime, we have our five children between us; Paige-15, Jessica-10, Mackenzie-10, Larissa-8,and Allen-5. We have 2 very full time jobs. We are that "typical" family that juggles a million and one things.

As much as I am trying to process this and in all the research I've been doing, I decided that blogging may help me get through this. There's a lot of women out there with Breast Cancer. There's a lot of women out there with BRCA1 or BRCA2. There's a lot of women out there who juggle families and jobs and lose their hair, and their ovaries, and their boobs.

So, let's start processing this.

FORCE
http://www.breastcancer.org/