Out of the blue...

I don't know exactly what happened today, but I had a bad day. Emotionally speaking.

Granted, I've had an eventful month so far. It's not very often that you are thrust into the Breast Cancer sisterhood. You don't usually talk about mastectomies and reconstructions during day-to-day conversations. I'll give myself a break in that respect.

I hope blogging about all this will help and I'm getting ready to really bare my soul, which is not something I publicly do. Ever. I'm not even sure that I can articulate the devastation I feel inside.

I've kept a positive attitude since all this began on June 1st, I've really tried my best. I've had moments of tears, but nothing like what happened this afternoon. I don't know what happened or what set it off, I really don't.

I went to work this morning to work a half day or so, trying to make some lost time and get a jump on some upcoming deadlines. I wasn't feeling good all day. My brain wouldn't shut off from all this information I've received in the last few weeks.

On the way home, I had a total breakdown. It was bad....complete, hysterically sobbing kind of breakdown.  I'm so glad that Ward & I work together, at least I wasn't driving today. He is the most compassionate man I know and I can't imagine how helpless he must feel through all of this.

During my hysterical crying, I spilled my deepest fears to him about this whole reconstruction process with expanders. I'm going to look like a freak, I will never have MY breasts anymore, how will I hug him and the children during all this? Will I look anything close to normal after complete reconstruction? How do I accept this and say goodbye to the old me? Am I helping or hurting myself by researching this?

I told him that in the grand scheme of things, I know deep down I am making the right decision. This will save my life and I want to be here for our family. More than anything. I know I have his unconditional love and support, and that goes for my children, family, & friends.

So why the hell am I so upset over all this? It's not happening today. They are just boobs! It seems so trivial to be so upset at what I'm considering "trivial", when the end result is to be cancer free.

 I'm freaking out about the cosmetic realities of this surgery. Looking down after surgery and there's nothing there. The discomfort and pain of expanders placed in my chest. Growing "foobs". Getting my real foobs. I'm freaking out about the surgery, the recovery process, the expanding process. What will I look like during that time? What will people think and why the hell would I even care?!? What about when the real implants are there?

Some days, being positive and staying in the moment just doesn't help no matter how hard I try. I really don't try to project anything concerning things I have no control over. For some reason, I am today. I am so scared about all of this, and it's not even happening until November. I feel like I am on an out of control roller coaster and I really don't want to feel like this for the next few months. I want a shut-off switch for my brain. I want to just pretend none of this is happening and just deal with it later. I mean, damn. You would think with 5 children, a job, house, gardens full of weeds, and a wedding to plan, I would have plenty to be distracted.

I feel like I am being consumed by this, and that's exactly what I don't want to happen. I just pray that tomorrow will be a better day.