I shouldn't be surprised at myself for actually saying that out loud to him since my anxiety starting building on the drive down to
A surprise was waiting for me in the reception office. An angel, my friend Peyton. She told me on Tuesday night that she would go with me, on her only day off. I thought she was joking at the time, but was so very happy to see her there. It helped calm my nerves while I filled out the necessary paperwork and waited for them to call me back. We talked about horses and she held my hand. I love her and don't know if I could ever express my gratitude to her for waiting on me to arrive and sitting in the waiting room of a plastic surgeon's office on her day off, just to keep me company since Ward had to work. I didn't get to see her after my 2 hour appointment, but I'm so glad we were able to spend those 20 minutes together.
So my name is finally called and I'm taken to the room. The nurse asks me to take my shirt & bra off, and to put the shortest, tiniest "gown" on. It was like one-fourth the size of a regular hospital gown. I did get a chuckle out of that. And thanks to Peyton, I was ok waiting on the Dr.
Dr. Appel is a younger Doctor, a graduate from Duke (YAY!! GO DUKE!!......sorry to all you
He gives me a folder to start with. It's white and has a pink ribbon applicate on the front. My first official "Breast Cancer Patient" material. I start to cry (and miserably try to hide it and wish that Ward was there) while he tells me that the things in the folder will be information for me, a breakdown of everything we will discuss. Why the heck was I crying? I knew. At that exact moment, the elusive Breast Cancer went from surreal to very, very real.
He begins by talking about my history, my relationship with my breast doctor (whom I love because he saved Ward's life in 2009.....I'll explain that one another day), and the timeline of what we have to do....surgery WILL be scheduled within 6 months. OK.
He has a notebook and begins to talk about the "Mastectomy Process" and what Dr. Parson's will be doing. He tells me that after he examines & measures me, he will be able to tell me what he recommends for my particular reconstruction. Then, we start the discussion, with all his illustrations and patient before/after photos, about the 4 main types of breast reconstruction after a mastectomy.
I interrupt him and ask about immediate reconstruction. Not a good option he says. It doesn't look as natural and the patient may get stuck with a size they don't like. Makes sense, doc. So what's next?
Reconstruction with expanders. It was during this discussion that I said what I thought I wouldn't say! And I was familiar with this from research! AHHHH! What is reconstruction with expanders? Well, laments terms, after the breast surgeon removes the breast tissue, the plastic surgeon places expanders (hard, plastic balloon-looking things with a port) behind your chest muscles. So I would be flat??? Yes, for a couple weeks. Oh goodness.....38C and then nothing overnight?? OMG.....I'll just stuff that thought away for the time being. You have 1 to 2 drains in each breast to drain fluid for about 2 weeks post-op. YUCK. Don't need to think about that right now either.
He talks about how he slowly fills these expanders (needle though the skin) weekly with saline to allow the expansion of the chest muscle. I would also attend physical therapy for the first 2 months after surgery to help strengthen myself. The doc says that reconstruction this way makes a nice, perky breast and when I get "filled" enough to where I like the size, we stop. We wait for a month or two, and then have another outpatient surgery to place the permanent implants.
We talk about reconstruction after radiation, using skin and muscle from your tummy, your back...all these places with more incisions, more recovery time. Talk about gaining a new respect for the women who endure these more involved reconstructions, especially after breast skin has been radiated and can't be saved.
I'm trying to absorb all this info and ask questions. We start discussing the permanent implants. He hands me a saline one and a silicone one. I sit there and play with the silicone implant for the next 30 minutes. It felt nicer than saline....it was soft. The saline implant felt like a water balloon! I was very concerned about the safety of silicone vs. saline because we've all heard the horror stories of the silicone implant bursting or leaking, and the surgery that has to scrape that gunk off the chest wall. I went into the appointment knowing I wanted saline. Well, evidently, there have been some major improvements to silicone implants. You can actually cut them in half...no leaking! It's like a gummy bear. Hmmmm......a gummy bear fake boob. Sounds like something you would find in some kind of perverted sex store! LOL!
He called the nurse in and he started his exam. He measured me from all kinds of angles. I put that "gown" back on and we all three went to another room to take photos. Not my idea of fun, especially if since that was my first nudie-photo shoot. It was embarrassing.
When we get back, he tells me that I would be a great candidate for the expander method. And they will try to save my nipples. TRY?! Oh God, PLEASE don't take those, too. Stupid cancer! I learned that larger chested women have more complications with blood flow to the nipple. If I were any bigger, he wouldn't even recommend trying, so at least we can try. That's a positive thing. If the tissue dies, I would need another surgery to reconstruct that, too. I must say, he makes nice nipples, but even he admitted that they weren't as nice as the ones that God makes. But even if they survive, I may lose all sensation anyway.
We talked about schedule. He recommended that I not do this before our October 22 wedding....the timing of it would have me with expanders and it may be uncomfortable for hugs. Gotta have hugs at the wedding. We return from our honeymoon on the 29th and will do Halloween with the kids. The first week of November, I loose my boobs because of cancer and a stupid gene.
I need to go see my breast surgeon again in September to learn his recommendation on leaving or removing lymph nodes. In the meantime, I'll see the plastic surgeon again on October 5th. I can call him or email him anytime with questions and that was that.
I have a lot to think about. Saline? Silicone? Drains? Healing time? Sleeping positions? Post-op help? Kids in school? Can't drive? No boobs? Growing boobs? Sensations? Sensuality? Out of work for 4-6 weeks? Nipples? Thanksgiving?? Christmas???
No more thinking today, my emotions are running full freakin force. I'll try to concentrate on the positives and remember how grateful I was to see my real-life angel, Peyton, there waiting for me in the waiting room.
All I can really think, though, is, "Oh my God. I can't believe this is happening". I cry and talk with Ward and tell him I really, really, really hate cancer.
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