In the midst of getting three children ready for school, one having started last week, I get a surprise in the mailbox yesterday. In the span of three seconds, I felt like I would have a panic attack.
I received a letter from my Health Insurance company approving my "procedure" for November 1, 2011 and approving my hospital stay for 2 nights/3 days. This isn't confirmation from both surgeons, but it's just as well.
I have an official date.
November 1, 2011 will be the day. The day I say goodbye to my breasts and hello to new ones. I keep telling myself that I'll have awesome new boobs....nice, firm, symmetrical....all that jazz. I remind myself that my boobs can kill me, so they aren't that great after all. I feel like I have accepted this surgery and what's getting ready to happen, but now I'm just scared.
I've never stopped being scared, but now my fear is solidified in the date. The date that is only four days away from the day we return home from our honeymoon. The day after Halloween. 10 freakin' days after our wedding. 23 days before Thanksgiving. Geez...am I obsessing a bit?
Both surgeons had asked about the best schedule and with the timeline, we all agreed the 1st week in November would be best. I figured it would be the 3rd, 4th.....don't ask me why. I also don't know why that even matters anyway. I need to get this over with.
My FORCE friend, Kristen, just had her surgery and is doing great. She is such an inspiration! Jill had her surgery and looks awesome. Michelle is in the midst of reconstruction and is rockin'! I am so proud of these gals and they are amazing women....strong and courageous. If they can do this, I can. Right?? I guess we'll see.
People say that fear can be both oppressing and liberating. I think I'm stuck in the middle. I'm scared because I don't know what to expect. I have a good idea, but it hasn't happened to me yet. It's gone great for my friends, thank God, but it hasn't happened to me yet. I am trying to stay positive and know that I'm not alone in this. I'm allowing myself to breathe through the fear that I am sure will appear again.
For now, I have babies to get ready for school. <3
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Inspiration & Reality
After my night of crying this week, I felt better. I can release that stress, worry, and anxiety for a bit and get on with life.
We're super busy at work, so that's a huge help right off the bat. My girls are spending the week with my dad and I miss them terribly. I have gotten to spend time with just the boys this week, though. That's been awesome.
Yesterday, I spent some time with my friend Cindy, the founder of Cindy's Hope Chest. This woman is another angel God has placed upon this earth. Her non-profit supports local breast cancer patients, and not in the typical way that most breast cancer organizations do. She personally spends time with women who are facing a journey of their own. Her organization helps with the things women on this journey really need like light housework, grocery shopping, treatment support, love, and hugs. Not that the other non-profits aren't great, this is just the first group I've ever seen get "personal" with their cause. I think there should be more of this! :)
Cindy was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer in 2008. She was led to begin this wonderful organization for women and it had to be God's calling for her. She is an inspiration for me, no doubt. I contacted her before I was even diagnosed through word of mouth within my community. Every time I have called or stopped by, she has dropped everything she was doing and gave me her full attention. It's so wonderful to have her in my corner.
Although we hadn't met before this summer, we both went through chemo in 2008. She completely understood when I told her how much I hated being "identified" as a cancer patient when I lost my hair. I completely understood her when she shared that she was one of the youngest patients in the chemo-infusion lounge and most of the time, the only woman. That's not something you can truly share just have with anyone. Needless to say, it was nice to sit in the pink room with her yesterday and tell her all about my crying episode. Talk about true bonds and inspiration!
Today, I felt like myself. Started the day off great....had some coffee & took lunch with Ward. Then, reality hits. Out of no where, I get a phone call from the Plastic Surgeon's office to schedule my pre-op a month ahead of surgery. Simple enough, right? We schedule for October 5th at 10am. The nurse tells me that she will call the breast surgeon and confer with her so that both surgeons can agree on a date.
We hang up and I start crying, which immediately pissed me off. I hate when my emotions get the best of me. It is so very weird. I'll be just fine through my day and then BAM! Reality of this surgery...this cancer...comes back around to say "Hello!".
That wasn't even the kicker. My Breast Surgeon's office calls me and the lady on the phone says that although so-and-so is going to confirm all this with my insurance, I need to be aware that I will have to pay what insurance doesn't before surgery. It's their new policy. That was pretty unexpected, but having had some time to think about it, I'm just glad I'm finding out about it now and not in October. So if insurance pays 80%, I'm sitting here wondering what my 20% of his surgery fee will be. I totally hate math. LOL!
Hopefully, the ladies in these offices can sort out all these details soon and I can get back to not thinking about all this for a bit.
We're super busy at work, so that's a huge help right off the bat. My girls are spending the week with my dad and I miss them terribly. I have gotten to spend time with just the boys this week, though. That's been awesome.
Yesterday, I spent some time with my friend Cindy, the founder of Cindy's Hope Chest. This woman is another angel God has placed upon this earth. Her non-profit supports local breast cancer patients, and not in the typical way that most breast cancer organizations do. She personally spends time with women who are facing a journey of their own. Her organization helps with the things women on this journey really need like light housework, grocery shopping, treatment support, love, and hugs. Not that the other non-profits aren't great, this is just the first group I've ever seen get "personal" with their cause. I think there should be more of this! :)
Cindy was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer in 2008. She was led to begin this wonderful organization for women and it had to be God's calling for her. She is an inspiration for me, no doubt. I contacted her before I was even diagnosed through word of mouth within my community. Every time I have called or stopped by, she has dropped everything she was doing and gave me her full attention. It's so wonderful to have her in my corner.
Although we hadn't met before this summer, we both went through chemo in 2008. She completely understood when I told her how much I hated being "identified" as a cancer patient when I lost my hair. I completely understood her when she shared that she was one of the youngest patients in the chemo-infusion lounge and most of the time, the only woman. That's not something you can truly share just have with anyone. Needless to say, it was nice to sit in the pink room with her yesterday and tell her all about my crying episode. Talk about true bonds and inspiration!
Today, I felt like myself. Started the day off great....had some coffee & took lunch with Ward. Then, reality hits. Out of no where, I get a phone call from the Plastic Surgeon's office to schedule my pre-op a month ahead of surgery. Simple enough, right? We schedule for October 5th at 10am. The nurse tells me that she will call the breast surgeon and confer with her so that both surgeons can agree on a date.
We hang up and I start crying, which immediately pissed me off. I hate when my emotions get the best of me. It is so very weird. I'll be just fine through my day and then BAM! Reality of this surgery...this cancer...comes back around to say "Hello!".
That wasn't even the kicker. My Breast Surgeon's office calls me and the lady on the phone says that although so-and-so is going to confirm all this with my insurance, I need to be aware that I will have to pay what insurance doesn't before surgery. It's their new policy. That was pretty unexpected, but having had some time to think about it, I'm just glad I'm finding out about it now and not in October. So if insurance pays 80%, I'm sitting here wondering what my 20% of his surgery fee will be. I totally hate math. LOL!
Hopefully, the ladies in these offices can sort out all these details soon and I can get back to not thinking about all this for a bit.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Where's the Strength During the Rain?
It amazes me; how human we are.
I don't understand how I am so strong one day and feel so seemingly weak the next. OK, all in the same day? Tonight is one of those nights that I am struggling to hold on to something and release this self-doubt, fear, and denial. It's not working.
I've re-read some of my earlier postings, I've remembered conversations with inspirational friends and family, I've prayed. I'm allowing myself to cry tonight. The girls are away. Ward and Allen are in bed. I'm listening to distant thunder, the tapping of the rain outside, and my sniffles. I want to scream.
Maybe I'm in the throws of the grieving process? I'm not really sure. I want to know why this is happening to me. Why now? Answers that I really don't need to have because it just is. I've accepted that Cancer is no one's fault, it just happens, like everything else. I sure am angry at Cancer, though. I haven't allowed myself to let go of that just yet. I'm angry that I have to make these kinds of decisions.....talk about pressure. It's only your life and the loved ones your life affects. I mean, sure, I had no plans in November and December. Why not have surgery. I'm angry that my childrens' lives will be disrupted during the holidays. I'm angry that I will miss 2 months of salary. I'm angry that this is a huge inconvenience to me (and probably only me because my perception is so skewed at the moment). I'm angry that I have no f***ing control over any of this.
My friend Kristen, who I met on through FORCE, is having her double mastectomy tomorrow. We've emailed, text, and finally spoke to one another on the phone tonight. I'm really thinking of her right now. I want to tell her how brave I think she is that's she's kicking cancer's ass tomorrow. I think she's so smart to make an informative decision to save her life. After all, they're just boobs. I know she'll come through her surgery, recover with no complications, and have a great set of brand new, cancer-free hooters. :)
So why can't I have this same compassion for myself? I do most of the time, when my rational brain is working. Tonight, the emotional & the I-need-to-control-everything side of me has taken over. I hate this feeling of helplessness.It affects a lot of things in my life and I really need to stop pushing these feelings deep down until they explode like a volcano in the rain. I can cry for an hour solid when this happens. Maybe that's what needs to happen....a release of all this bullshit that I carry on my shoulders?
I know I'm not the only one. I think most women facing any kind of breast cancer or even a high risk of breast cancer could probably relate. Maybe that's why it's so easy to bond with a fellow "sister". If anything good comes from Cancer, that's it.
My sister in this journey crosses the other side tomorrow and begins her reconstruction. I'm ready to go with her already and not give my emotions a chance to bulldoze me. Unfortunately, it's not time for me yet. So for now, I'll finish crying, vent randomly on this blog, and go to bed a little later.
The storm will pass and the rain will stop. Maybe in the sunshine tomorrow, I'll find where I misplaced that strength tonight.
I don't understand how I am so strong one day and feel so seemingly weak the next. OK, all in the same day? Tonight is one of those nights that I am struggling to hold on to something and release this self-doubt, fear, and denial. It's not working.
I've re-read some of my earlier postings, I've remembered conversations with inspirational friends and family, I've prayed. I'm allowing myself to cry tonight. The girls are away. Ward and Allen are in bed. I'm listening to distant thunder, the tapping of the rain outside, and my sniffles. I want to scream.
Maybe I'm in the throws of the grieving process? I'm not really sure. I want to know why this is happening to me. Why now? Answers that I really don't need to have because it just is. I've accepted that Cancer is no one's fault, it just happens, like everything else. I sure am angry at Cancer, though. I haven't allowed myself to let go of that just yet. I'm angry that I have to make these kinds of decisions.....talk about pressure. It's only your life and the loved ones your life affects. I mean, sure, I had no plans in November and December. Why not have surgery. I'm angry that my childrens' lives will be disrupted during the holidays. I'm angry that I will miss 2 months of salary. I'm angry that this is a huge inconvenience to me (and probably only me because my perception is so skewed at the moment). I'm angry that I have no f***ing control over any of this.
My friend Kristen, who I met on through FORCE, is having her double mastectomy tomorrow. We've emailed, text, and finally spoke to one another on the phone tonight. I'm really thinking of her right now. I want to tell her how brave I think she is that's she's kicking cancer's ass tomorrow. I think she's so smart to make an informative decision to save her life. After all, they're just boobs. I know she'll come through her surgery, recover with no complications, and have a great set of brand new, cancer-free hooters. :)
So why can't I have this same compassion for myself? I do most of the time, when my rational brain is working. Tonight, the emotional & the I-need-to-control-everything side of me has taken over. I hate this feeling of helplessness.It affects a lot of things in my life and I really need to stop pushing these feelings deep down until they explode like a volcano in the rain. I can cry for an hour solid when this happens. Maybe that's what needs to happen....a release of all this bullshit that I carry on my shoulders?
I know I'm not the only one. I think most women facing any kind of breast cancer or even a high risk of breast cancer could probably relate. Maybe that's why it's so easy to bond with a fellow "sister". If anything good comes from Cancer, that's it.
My sister in this journey crosses the other side tomorrow and begins her reconstruction. I'm ready to go with her already and not give my emotions a chance to bulldoze me. Unfortunately, it's not time for me yet. So for now, I'll finish crying, vent randomly on this blog, and go to bed a little later.
The storm will pass and the rain will stop. Maybe in the sunshine tomorrow, I'll find where I misplaced that strength tonight.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
History lesson with Ward & Amy
I haven't posted in a while, and I've missed it!
I've been busy, like everyone else in this super-fast world, dealing with life on life's terms. Well, trying to. Between working insane hours, fighting with the local school board to transfer my youngest daughter out of a bad school, planning our wedding, and trying to find quality time with the family, I'm plenty occupied.
Ward & I are getting married on October 22. We've been together since 2007. Since that time, we've endured more than most couples face in an entire lifetime. If you don't know us, here's a run-down of what's happened with us.
My stage 1 Bladder Cancer was discovered in early 2007. I endured intra-bladder chemotherapy, but it was light and I really didn't have any "chemo" side effects. The worst of it was having to have catheters for treatment. It was during this time that I discovered that I was positive for the BRCA1 gene. July 2007, I had a complete hysterectomy at the age of 29.
In September of 2008, we discovered that my Bladder Cancer had returned. My new doctors in Charlotte didn't believe that it ever really went into remission, so I was to go through 6 rounds of aggressive chemo. 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. Being my stubborn self, I decided against a port, so this poison would course through my veins and ruin them. The weeks that I had treatment, I barely got out of the bed. Everything tasted like metal and worst of all, my hair fell out.
I HATED that. Everyone knew I had cancer, even strangers. You could tell I was sick anyway without that hat I wore ALL the time. I felt everyone's pity. I felt "defined" and I hated every second of it. People told me that I was strong, brave, and an inspiration. I sure didn't feel that way inside....I wanted to hide from the world. I wouldn't let people take my picture...I'm missing in all our Christmas pictures in 2008. I didn't hide all the time like I wanted to....I couldn't. I still went to work on my "off" weeks. Looking back, I don't know how I did it.
Anyway, I went into remission in February of 2009. In March, Ward got sick. He was having severe stomach pains. After trips to doctors and a bad ER trip in early April 2009, he was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. That ER trip in April ended up being an admission. In an attempt to get his "flare" under control, the doctors gave him massive doses of steroids, to no avail. He ended up having a re-section surgery mid-month.
They removed 14 inches of his small intestine & colon. The night he was supposed to come home, the surgery failed. His intestines came apart, everything that was in his stomach seeped into his body, & he became septic. I was called early Friday morning to learn that my best friend, who was coming home that day, had been rushed to ICU.
Ward needed emergency surgery. He actually died on the table. Our surgeon, Dr. P, was able to bring him back, although he didn't know that Ward would make it through the night. They tried to clean him out as best they could before he crashed, but didn't get everything. They also couldn't reattach the intestines. Ward had an ileostomy and bag. Maybe they could reverse it if he made it.
He pulled through...he's so stubborn. LOL! He stayed in the hospital for a total of 6 weeks. He did well with his ileostomy and was able to have it reversed in a third surgery in October 2009.
During all this, we were still raising our five children together and working. People asked us all the time how we managed. Well, our relationship with God became strong that year. Our family & friends were lifelines to us....we could never say thank you enough.
Needless to say, 2010 was a pretty uneventful year as far as our health was concerned. My mother's kidneys were failing, so we moved her to an assisted living place close to our home and I've accompanied her to many surgeries over the last year.
Ward & I began planning this wedding...this melding of our families in a celebration with our friends and family. When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in June, I told Ward how guilty I felt that we would start our marriage with such a major surgery. His response? "How else would we do it?" I love that guy.
So we will affirm our love on October 22. We will go away to enjoy our honeymoon, sans children (Woohoo!), in beautiful Savannah, Georgia. We will return on October 28 and I have a double mastectomy less than a week later. It's not the way I would want to start our marriage, but then again, it's a perfect start. My best friend and me....fighting cancer and kicking it's ass.
I've been busy, like everyone else in this super-fast world, dealing with life on life's terms. Well, trying to. Between working insane hours, fighting with the local school board to transfer my youngest daughter out of a bad school, planning our wedding, and trying to find quality time with the family, I'm plenty occupied.
Ward & I are getting married on October 22. We've been together since 2007. Since that time, we've endured more than most couples face in an entire lifetime. If you don't know us, here's a run-down of what's happened with us.
My stage 1 Bladder Cancer was discovered in early 2007. I endured intra-bladder chemotherapy, but it was light and I really didn't have any "chemo" side effects. The worst of it was having to have catheters for treatment. It was during this time that I discovered that I was positive for the BRCA1 gene. July 2007, I had a complete hysterectomy at the age of 29.
In September of 2008, we discovered that my Bladder Cancer had returned. My new doctors in Charlotte didn't believe that it ever really went into remission, so I was to go through 6 rounds of aggressive chemo. 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. Being my stubborn self, I decided against a port, so this poison would course through my veins and ruin them. The weeks that I had treatment, I barely got out of the bed. Everything tasted like metal and worst of all, my hair fell out.
I HATED that. Everyone knew I had cancer, even strangers. You could tell I was sick anyway without that hat I wore ALL the time. I felt everyone's pity. I felt "defined" and I hated every second of it. People told me that I was strong, brave, and an inspiration. I sure didn't feel that way inside....I wanted to hide from the world. I wouldn't let people take my picture...I'm missing in all our Christmas pictures in 2008. I didn't hide all the time like I wanted to....I couldn't. I still went to work on my "off" weeks. Looking back, I don't know how I did it.
Anyway, I went into remission in February of 2009. In March, Ward got sick. He was having severe stomach pains. After trips to doctors and a bad ER trip in early April 2009, he was diagnosed with Crohn's disease. That ER trip in April ended up being an admission. In an attempt to get his "flare" under control, the doctors gave him massive doses of steroids, to no avail. He ended up having a re-section surgery mid-month.
They removed 14 inches of his small intestine & colon. The night he was supposed to come home, the surgery failed. His intestines came apart, everything that was in his stomach seeped into his body, & he became septic. I was called early Friday morning to learn that my best friend, who was coming home that day, had been rushed to ICU.
Ward needed emergency surgery. He actually died on the table. Our surgeon, Dr. P, was able to bring him back, although he didn't know that Ward would make it through the night. They tried to clean him out as best they could before he crashed, but didn't get everything. They also couldn't reattach the intestines. Ward had an ileostomy and bag. Maybe they could reverse it if he made it.
He pulled through...he's so stubborn. LOL! He stayed in the hospital for a total of 6 weeks. He did well with his ileostomy and was able to have it reversed in a third surgery in October 2009.
During all this, we were still raising our five children together and working. People asked us all the time how we managed. Well, our relationship with God became strong that year. Our family & friends were lifelines to us....we could never say thank you enough.
Needless to say, 2010 was a pretty uneventful year as far as our health was concerned. My mother's kidneys were failing, so we moved her to an assisted living place close to our home and I've accompanied her to many surgeries over the last year.
Ward & I began planning this wedding...this melding of our families in a celebration with our friends and family. When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in June, I told Ward how guilty I felt that we would start our marriage with such a major surgery. His response? "How else would we do it?" I love that guy.
So we will affirm our love on October 22. We will go away to enjoy our honeymoon, sans children (Woohoo!), in beautiful Savannah, Georgia. We will return on October 28 and I have a double mastectomy less than a week later. It's not the way I would want to start our marriage, but then again, it's a perfect start. My best friend and me....fighting cancer and kicking it's ass.
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