Where's the Strength During the Rain?

It amazes me; how human we are.

I don't understand how I am so strong one day and feel so seemingly weak the next. OK, all in the same day? Tonight is one of those nights that I am struggling to hold on to something and release this self-doubt, fear, and denial. It's not working.

I've re-read some of my earlier postings, I've remembered conversations with inspirational friends and family, I've prayed. I'm allowing myself to cry tonight. The girls are away. Ward and Allen are in bed. I'm listening to distant thunder, the tapping of the rain outside, and my sniffles. I want to scream.

Maybe I'm in the throws of the grieving process? I'm not really sure. I want to know why this is happening to me. Why now? Answers that I really don't need to have because it just is. I've accepted that Cancer is no one's fault, it just happens, like everything else. I sure am angry at Cancer, though. I haven't allowed myself to let go of that just yet. I'm angry that I have to make these kinds of decisions.....talk about pressure. It's only your life and the loved ones your life affects. I mean, sure, I had no plans in November and December. Why not have surgery. I'm angry that my childrens' lives will be disrupted during the holidays. I'm angry that I will miss 2 months of salary. I'm angry that this is a huge inconvenience to me (and probably only me because my perception is so skewed at the moment). I'm angry that I have no f***ing control over any of this.

 My friend Kristen, who I met on through FORCE, is having her double mastectomy tomorrow. We've emailed, text, and finally spoke to one another on the phone tonight. I'm really thinking of her right now. I want to tell her how brave I think she is that's she's kicking cancer's ass tomorrow. I think she's so smart to make an informative decision to save her life. After all, they're just boobs. I know she'll come through her surgery, recover with no complications, and have a great set of brand new, cancer-free hooters. :)

So why can't I have this same compassion for myself? I do most of the time, when my rational brain is working. Tonight, the emotional & the I-need-to-control-everything side of me has taken over. I hate this feeling of helplessness.It affects a lot of things in my life and I really need to stop pushing these feelings deep down until they explode like a volcano in the rain. I can cry for an hour solid when this happens. Maybe that's what needs to happen....a release of all this bullshit that I carry on my shoulders?

I know I'm not the only one. I think most women facing any kind of breast cancer or even a high risk of breast cancer could probably relate. Maybe that's why it's so easy to bond with a fellow "sister". If anything good comes from Cancer, that's it.

My sister in this journey crosses the other side tomorrow and begins her reconstruction. I'm ready to go with her already and not give my emotions a chance to bulldoze me. Unfortunately, it's not time for me yet. So for now, I'll finish crying, vent randomly on this blog, and go to bed a little later.

The storm will pass and the rain will stop. Maybe in the sunshine tomorrow, I'll find where I misplaced that strength tonight.